I was coming up out of Penn Station the other day and in front of me was a couple. From behind I noticed the woman had very slight motor dysfunction. I noticed the man with her in tune to her every move. His love and patience was apparent. He held her hand and clearly cherished her.
At some point they turned around. And the first thing I noticed was how unattractive the woman was. That probably sounds superficial but bear with me. Her face was uneven and her nose crooked. She had an awful hair cut that did nothing for her rather skinny face. Her glasses were too large and her body was far from in shape. Overall, she was quite unattractive.
And yet there she was with this fairly good looking man who loved her in spite of it all. Not only loved her but was “head over heels” for her. I was so struck that I couldn’t stop looking at them. Trying to imagine what it was he saw in her. As if I could see it! As if it were visable!
And then I started to cry. I cried because I realized I was face to face with true love. That the love in front of me wasn’t based on what we are bombarded with almost every minute of every day which is how we look will determine how much we are loved. No this love was based on something else visible only to her beloved. Something so profound that it transformed ugly into beautiful.
I know that I still at times believe, in spite of myself, that my worthiness is based on my looks. That my face or the shape of my body, the style of my hair, the coordination and condition of my limbs contributes to my lovable-ness .
And yet there she stood, the “Ugly” woman, no Victoria’s Secret model. Not a tennis superstar with a kick ass bod. Not a much younger woman. And yet the majority of women I know would give up all of the above even if they had it for the chance to be looked at the way he looked at her.
It’s time for a re-frame. One movie that provids a great re-frame is Dog Fight, starring River Phoenix & Lili Taylor. It’s about a group of men that have a contest to see who can date the ugliest woman. And one of them surprises himself with falling in love.
In spite of the barrage of images we all receive and woman most of all, we must re-frame this belief that only beauty or perfection will receive love or for that matter be worthy of it.
Who we are and not what we are is what love falls for. Let this encounter be your reminder as it is mine.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Kim, what a beautiful story! I like how you noticed the story enfold before you, and saw the beauty and love amid the challenges.
“A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes that she is beautiful — he just hadn’t noticed it at first.” – Robert Heinlein
@Dale: Thank you so much for commenting! I adore this quote of Heinlein’s. Thank you Dale for being.
I think it’s a testament to modern civilization that we value good looks so much. Yes, there is a genetic component to us favoring beauty, but we’ve really blown this out of proportion. On top of that, even our most beautiful are made to look more-so: think of all the photoshopped ads & billboards where the near-perfect model become perfection incarnate. This is the environment our kids have to grow up in – I’m pretty confident it has to influence their worldview and self worth.
There’s a short sci-fi story I really like. It describes a high school where the area of the brain that detects beauty of all students has been disabled… and takes it from there. Really makes you think.
.-= Udi´s last blog ..Advice To Celebrities On Twitter =-.
@Udi: I forget that even the beauty’s are photoshopped! Thank you for that reminder. And I agree that it has been blown out of proportion. Glancing through any of the big name magazines filled with beautiful women is when I usually fall into the trap of judging my body harshly all over again. Oh and the bathing suit dressing rooms – those could make even Heidi Klum feel insecure! I love the sound of that story. You’ll have to tell me it’s title so I can check it out.